Day 24: Camel (Ustrasana)

There’s a pet phrase of Bikram’s, which is that there’s always a deeper and farther in every posture. The wall you pushed back today will still be there tomorrow, only it’s a quarter inch further away when you get to it.

The phrase has a bit more resonance now, with a week to go, because—while I try to set aside expectations—I thought I’d be further along in certain respects now than I actually am. In effect, I thought this would get easier. It’s done the exact opposite. It’s gotten harder.

It makes sense when I think about it. I expected a progression like this: at a certain point, I wouldn’t crack and need to take a rest. I’d reach a certain point of fitness and discipline, and as a result I’d do every posture, every day. What’s actually happened is that I’ve gotten better at the first three postures—even my nemesis, Half-Moon—and start tiring out around Standing Bow, a third of the way through class.

Which reminds me of what my man Bob Mould once said: “Expectations mean you really think you know what’s coming next, and you don’t.” And as I find myself going deeper and farther in the first 20 minutes of class, the wall I thought I was pushing back—the one I often ran into halfway through class—is getting closer. That’s not a complaint, just an observation—I’ll take progress where I can get it. I think the progression in this one area more than outweighs the regression in another. It just goes to show what happens when you expect a particular outcome. You often get a completely different one, and you’re left going, “Huh.”