30 Days of Hot

On Monday begins the Bikram 30 Day Challenge—or, as I like to call it, the “What Was I On When I Signed Up for This?” Nine Circles of Hell Challenge. You know, at the time it seemed like such a good idea—until I realized that my longest stretch of consecutive days in the hot room was four. And that I spent 40% of my Monday class on the floor, staring at the ceiling. 

 

This may come as a shock to you, but that 40% is not part of the Bikram regimen. So what is the Bikram regimen? To summarize:

• Ideal conditions: 105 degrees, 40% humidity. Trust me when I tell you: when it’s not ideal, it’s usually not ideal in favor of Lucifer.
• Length: 90 minutes.
• Regimen: 26 postures.
• Teaching: following the patented Bikram script, but with each teacher riffing on it in his or her style. In fact, it’s really part script, part template.
• The Challenge: One class a day, each day from 10/25 through 11/24.
• Prediction: Prediction? Pain.

In fairness, I’ve been consistently (okay, inconsistently) doing Bikram Yoga for a year and a half now. My wife Margo has been doing it for roughly four years, so I got the introduction gradually: “Okay, so you’re telling me it’s hotter than the worst Boston summer day? That it’s so humid you feel like you’re inhaling ash? That you come home after every third class and say, ‘That was really rough’?” This was not a hard sell. It wasn’t even a soft sell. It was a no-sell. I was in awe of my little lady putting herself through something that sounded epically challenging, but she wasn’t painting a pretty picture.

The progression went something like this: 1) No way. I am never trying that. 2) I don’t know. It sounds sort of weirdly fascinating. If you’re de Sade, I mean. 3) Wow. Margo’s really into this. Maybe I’ll try it one of these days. 4) Screw it. I’ll try it. 5) Hm. That was interesting. 6) Maybe I’ll buy a ten pack of classes and go once a week. 7) Oh, crap. I haven’t gone in eight months and the last eight classes in the package expire at the end of the month. I have to take these classes, but I’m only doing it because I’m a cheap bastard and I spent too much money not to use them. 8) You know what? I’m starting to get into this. Maybe I’ll get an annual membership. 9) You know, I have to do this 30 day challenge.

It was insidious. That sequence of events took probably three years, but the tipping point was the summer of 2009 (progression stops 7 and 8) when I had just gotten over a serious back strain and realized I needed something more than basketball and my half-hearted cross-trainer and weights at the Cambridge YMCA. Bikram Yoga has turned into that something else.

Tomorrow: Why Are You Doing This to Yourself?